Gaps, crutches and human safety nets

Do you ever get the feeling that you're just filling a space in someone else's life?

I was once told that when I finished school I'd leave my school friends behind, and find my friends for life at university and work. Usually, my source's pearls were of genuine wisdom, but I've since found the opposite of what he said to be true.

As a child, or a teenager, at school you make friends just to make friends. You find people that you have something in common with, who you enjoy spending time with, who you can share things with. But it seems that as we get older and life gets more difficult, genuine friendships such as these lose ground to those relationships which help us get through certain situations and overcome certain obstacles. That's not to say, of course, that it's impossible to make real friends after you've left school, I definitely have, it's just that somehow they're rarer.

Recently, I found myself questioning people's behaviour, wondering what might have gone on to make them act the way they have. More than once I've come to the conclusion that it's either because I no longer fulfilled the role that they needed me to, or because I've completely misunderstood that that was the context of the relationship. Either way, what I find most difficult is deciding which is sadder; the fact that people can do this consciously, or the fact that often it's entirely unconscious. Of course it's hurtful when someone uses you intentionally, but that someone desperately needs you to play a part for them, and feels almost bereft when they realise you won't or can't join in any more, surely that's worse?

It seems to me that people are afraid of being alone, afraid of having to be themselves, without the support of another person to hide behind. Sure, being independent is scary, and it's always nice to have someone else to blame if everything falls apart, but it's something that you have to learn to do. You know how the saying goes, "if you want something doing, do it yourself". Learning to live with, and love yourself is one of the most challenging lessons out there. Unsurprisingly it's also the most rewarding. Not just because it empowers you, teaching you strength and resilience, but also because when you do meet people and build relationships with them, you can both give and take so much more from it.

That's why I really think the best way forward is to refuse to participate, that is if you see it happening, on any level, with convenience relationships. Don't use people as crutches, and try to avoid getting roped in as somebody's safety net. You'll grow so much more and, in the long run, things will be that much better because you didn't.